Friday, March 13, 2009

Remembering Timothy

March 13, 1998
When I became pregnant with Timothy, I have to admit I felt overwhelmed at first. He was my sixth pregnancy. Our son, Nathaniel, was not even a year old at the time. I cried. I cried because I was tired. I cried because I was selfish. I cried. I didn't want to be pregnant again... at least not yet.

It didn't take long for me to remember the blessing children are and that I would love this baby with all my heart. I remembered that my Father is good and that He would be my strength.

During my third month of pregnancy Gary and I went to our scheduled sonogram. During this appointment we were told that we needed to see a specialist. We knew that something was wrong. Any parent understands the heart stopping fear that is immediately felt when seeing a specialist is recommended. It was confirmed later that day that our son's heart was not formed correctly and that his chances for survival were slim.

We were told that our baby most likely would not survive to full term. We were then told that we could have the pregnancy terminated. Or... we could continue with the pregnancy with the likelihood our son would pass away in my womb. Our choice was never a question. We would walk by faith and trust in the One that gives life. We would trust the Great Physician with the hope that He would heal our baby.

We gathered our children together once we returned home and told them what was happening. Their little hearts were so grieved, even with their limited understanding. We had always taken it for granted... having healthy babies. We prayed together. We cried together.

I went through a period of feeling guilty. I was ashamed of my first response to being pregnant. I felt like I had somehow caused this to happen because of my sinful attitude. I am so grateful that my Lord doesn't give me what I deserve... but He shows great mercy because of His love for me.

Months went by. We continued praying with hope. I stood firm in the fact that my Father was in control of ALL things and I rested in the presence of His peace. I trusted that no matter the outcome, whether our son was born with medical problems or he passed away, my God was good ALL the time.

Although this had been the most difficult pregnancy, both physically and emotionally, I was thankful for it... I was thankful for my son. During my seventh month of pregnancy, our sweet baby boy's heart stopped. He was stillborn on March 13th.

During the days and months that followed my sweet Jesus continued to comfort me. Through the outpouring of love from our friends and family, and with His unfailing love.

A very dear friend wrote a song in Timothy's honor called "In the Arms of Jesus". It is a beautiful song stating the undeniable truth that our baby boy is resting in the arms of Jesus. Sweet Timothy is in his heavenly home and we delight in the knowledge that we will someday be with him again.

Remembering you, Timothy... with much love. We miss you... always.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lam. 3:22


minda312 said...

I am at a loss for words. Obviously- I did not know you in 1998-so this was news to me. Your strength is amazing, and I am blessed to know you.

Victoria said...

Teddy Bears for my dear brother Timothy!

Maurine said...

Has it really been 11 years? Where has the time gone?