I wasn't going to share this because it's ugly. I don't like to share the Ugly. I decided to go ahead because I thought maybe the lesson I learned would bless someone else. Or... maybe I'm by myself in Ugly; in which case you can pray for me in my lonely state.
My confession is... I wasn't a good wife last night. That's putting it mildly. I spoke ugly words to my husband. I criticized him. I was impatient and rude. To make matters worse... I let my children see my ugliness. I warned you... Ugly.
This morning I started off with a self inflicted hatin' party. "I'm a bad wife. I'm a bad mom. How can I call myself a Christian when I act like that?! How can I truly say I love Jesus when such ugliness is in me? I'm horrible." You get the pathetic picture.
Instead of running to the Cross, as I should have, I sat down in front of the computer. (Do you ever feel like you should be wearing a computer necklace, as a testimony, instead of a cross necklace?... I digress)
As I half heartedly checked the latest updates in the blog world (I say half heartedly because of the mental lashing I continued to give myself), this question of "How did I get to this Ugly place?" kept nagging at me.
After a few absent minded "wonder what she's got to say" clicks, I read THESE words. Wow. God spoke right to my heart. I am so thankful that He met me right where I was... because I should have been at the foot of His throne.
You see, I have not been faithfully reading His Words in the last few weeks. I have not been spending time at His feet because I have so many things that I need to get done. I have not been listening for His voice because I have been distracted by the noise around me.
Truth is that if you don't spend time in the Truth, listening for the Truth... Ugly grows.
After reading, I left the computer screen and made my way to the feet of my Savior. As I spent time pouring out my ugly at His throne, my sweet Savior simply asked... "What is the Truth? You see, the Truth will set you free."
With tears, I asked for His forgiveness. As I poured out my heart to Him, I felt His loving embrace reminding me of His goodness and grace, reminding me that I am forgiven and loved. Reminding me of the Truth.
(A crazy side note.... I had five different people call me, one right after the other, within minutes of my approaching His throne. The enemy wanted to use those calls to distract me and keep me on the Ugly road.)
I messed up last night. Again. My poor husband will have to suffer this occurrence many times over this side of heaven I'm afraid. Bless his heart. The problem is that I had allowed the enemy to fill my head with lies about who I am. Those lies affected what I thought about myself. Those lies affected what I thought about my husband. Those lies fueled the Ugly.
So... how did I get to this place of Ugly?
I failed to EAT the Bread of Life daily. I failed to spend time with my Savior. I failed to lay down at the foot of the Cross and give my self to the One I belong to. I failed to walk in the Truth.
The Truth is what sets us free from the Ugly.
Like our wise sister taught... We must spend time with our Savior. We must get rid of the Ugly, confess our sins, THEN we can hear His words. THEN we can walk in Truth.
Praise His wonderful, powerful, beautiful, holy, mighty Name!